


Carpe Diem is easier to say than do, even when you say it in Gallifreyan

by merlins_sister



Category: Doctor Who
Genre: Angst, F/M, Family, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-09-23
Updated: 2011-09-23
Packaged: 2017-10-23 23:49:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/256465
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/merlins_sister/pseuds/merlins_sister
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Finding the strength to try again is sometimes the hardest thing to do.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Carpe Diem is easier to say than do, even when you say it in Gallifreyan

**Author's Note:**

> Story is based on what has been said in TV canon about the Doctor’s earlier lives. There is a slight nod to what I understand has passed in the books. However, I am not an expert in Time Lord history so apologies in advance for grating errors.

The Doctor had come in very quietly but Amy, who had become attuned to the Tardis’ changes, had realised soon enough. Leaving Rory to continue cooking dinner she went on a walk to find the Doctor, concerned that he had both returned so soon from seeing River and had as yet not sought them out.

She found him when she finally heard the sound of wooden drawers being opened and closed in his study. Readying a gentle riposte to cover her concern she made herself bounce into the room.

“There you are!” she exclaimed at what she considered quite a reasonable volume. The Doctor, however, leapt like she had just struck him with a taser, a piece of paper flying out of his hands.

“Amy! Don’t do that!”

“Well, you shouldn’t have snuck in to look at whatever you were looking at.” She swooped on the paper on the floor. “What were you looking at?”

She danced out of the way of the Doctor’s attempts to grab the paper back before turning it over to reveal the photo on the other side.

“Hey, it’s an old photo,” she said with a grin.

“Yes, just an old photo. Give it back, please,” said the Doctor, his hand reached out for its return.

Amy looked at the photo more closely before grinning. “Hey, is this guy your grandfather or something? You look like him.”

“Or something,” the Doctor replied, his tone unexpectedly short. “The photo please.”

Amy glanced up, trying to keep the mischievous smile in place. It faltered as the Doctor thrust his hand out with a terse, “Amelia!”

She obediently handed the photo back. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to pry.”

The look of contrition on her face must have hit the spot though as the Doctor with his photo back in hand seemed to sag slightly. “No, no, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be so short with you.”

He slumped back into the chair behind him, his eyes taken again by the photo in his hand. Amy moved closer, crouching down before his chair, her hand moving to cover his.

“Doctor, what happened? I thought you were meant to be spending the evening with River. Did you have a fight?”

“Nothing like that,” he replied, his voice sad and soft now. “The evening was going fine. It was me.” His fingers caressed the people in the photo. “All the centuries that have gone, all this time running from them, and I still can’t let them go.”

Amy stilled his hand. “Doctor, who are they?”

The Doctor turned his face to look at her, his smile as sad as his voice. Pointing his long finger to the man she thought was the grandfather he said, “That is me.”

“You?!” Amy’s voice was incredulous. “How? Do you age backwards or something?”

“Something,” he replied with a sigh. “When Time Lords are seriously injured they can avoid death by regenerating into a new body. This is a picture of me in my first body.” He pre-empted her next question. “This is my tenth regeneration. You get different faces and shapes, different quirks of personality, but you keep all the memories.” His voice trailed off, his eyes drawn to the photo.

“So, if that is you,” Amy continued gently, “who are they?”

“That is my family,” he replied, his voice painful in its softness. “My wife, my daughter, son-in-law, and, if you look carefully just there, the bump in my daughter that would become my granddaughter, Susan.”

The Doctor was over 900 years old. It shouldn’t surprise her to know of a life long ago. And there was definitely a grandfather aura to him sometimes, so that made sense. But...

“Why don’t you talk about them?” she asked.

“Because they died so long ago. Well, not Susan, but she has died since then in the Time War.” His eyes didn’t leave the photo.

Amy knew of the Time War, though the Doctor didn’t mention if often. But her mind ran straight to her new piece of information about Time Lords.

“But you just said Time Lords can avoid death by doing that changing body thing.”

His eyes lifted to hers. “There are some things that even a Time Lord cannot manage.” His eyes returned to the photo. “Accidents and disasters that no physical body can escape. Or be rescued from.”

Amy’s heart chilled as the Doctor continued, “They told me nothing could have been done, but I don’t know. Their answers never felt right. But I was young, and I had a grandchild to care for. Who was I to go against the seniors in my society?”

He suddenly glanced up at Amy. “Did you know that Time Lords could produce children without mating?” He didn’t wait for an answer. “No, of course you didn’t and I expect you didn’t want to know either. But that is the point. We didn’t need to live as we did, but we wanted to, to echo what was ancient history in our society.” He looked again at the photo in his hand, a smile of remembrance on his face. “We were going to live properly, to be together for millennia.” A slight bitter laugh. “We barely had a first lifetime together.”

Amy considered the Doctor, the pain from this long ago bereavement obvious on his face, and tried to make her way through to what could have happened to make this surface again.

“And since losing them, there has been no-one else?” she asked tentatively.

The Doctor glanced at her, suddenly bringing himself up straight as if he needed to the strength to justify his reply. “No, no-one else.”

“Never been tempted?”

He considered her, as if guessing where her questions were heading. “I have loved all those who have travelled with me, in different ways,” he eventually answered.

“Anybody in a ‘wifely’ way?”

He paused, looking awkward again. “There have been a couple of times when I have been close to crossing that line.”

“Why didn’t you?”

He shifted in front of her, shrugging his shoulders slightly as he replied, “Lots of different reasons.”

“Name one.”

He looked at her. “You die, I regenerate.”

Amy wanted to remind him of what he had just told her about Time Lords dying too, but knew that wasn’t what this was about.

“What about River? Do want to cross the line with her?”

He smiled wryly as he replied, “I don’t think I have much choice. Being pulled across the line is possibly a more apt description.”

Amy inclined her head in agreement but said, “Oh, I think you get a say even with River. Even if the heat you two are generating could power a small city.”

“Oh, a large city surely?” he asked, a grin breaking out. He leant back in the chair, swinging in it slightly as he considered this image, happiness threatening to break out on his face.

“Men! You always think bigger is better,” Amy retorted with her own grin. “But is that the problem? Feeling you don’t have a choice?”

The Doctor stopped swinging in his chair and looked at her. “We always have a choice, in everything we do.”

“So, what is it? You don’t want her? You don’t love her? Because if you are thinking that I would like to beg to differ,” Amy retorted.

The Doctor looked at her, his eyes steady. “There is one thing that I have no choice in... the fact she dies.”

“Yes, we are all going to die,” Amy replied. “But that could be centuries away in your timeline, the way you two jump about.”

The Doctor looked like he was about to say something, but instead picked up the photo again. Amy gently took it from him before saying, “I know you’re scared.” She paused to see if she would get a protest, but none came. “But I also know you are in love with River, and have been for a while, despite, or possibly, knowing you, because of what has happened between the two of you.” She pointed at the photo. “I am also pretty sure from what you’ve said that this lady here would be kicking your butt for not grabbing the happiness in front of you.”

A grin returned to the Doctor’s face. “Oh, the language she knew in Old Gallifreyan. I would be blushing from ear to ear.”

“Well, there you go,” Amy responded. “I don’t think someone who loved you the way she did would want you to be grieving for the rest of your life. I know I would want Rory to find someone new.” She paused and considered that concept. “Eventually.”

The Doctor raised an eyebrow at her response but then replied, “Yes, I suppose you would... eventually.”

Amy smiled in response before pushing the case again. “River loves you, you love River. Are you going to grab what you have or are you going to run away?”

The Doctor didn’t reply, his eyes going one more time to the photo. Getting up finally he leant forward and kissed Amy gently on the forehead. “I thought you knew me, Pond. You know I don’t run from things.”

“Maybe,” Amy challenged despite the warmth in his words. “Can you run towards them though?”

“Actually after our discussion I am considering a sedate walk back into town to see if the lovely Dr Song is still in her office,” the Doctor replied, his stature more normal, hands thrust into his pockets.

“Sedate, eh?”

“Yes, no need to rush.” He turned as he reached the door, a grin finally firmly in place. “Don’t wait up.” And with that he broke into a run and sprinted out and down the corridor.

“Don’t forget to take some flowers!” Amy called out as she followed him at a gentle stroll, returning to the kitchen.

Rory looked up from the stove. “Did you find him?” he asked as he offered her a taste of the tomato sauce he was working on.

Amy nodded as she savoured the flavour from the spoon. “Needs more salt,” she said simply.

“Everything okay?” Rory asked, adding the requested salt.

“It will be,” she replied, wrapping her arm tightly around his. “He just needed someone to tell him it was okay to be happy again.”

Rory looked the question at her. “I’ll explain later,” she said.

“Okay,” he replied, returning his attention to the sauce. She watched him stir for a few moments as she considered her discussion with the Doctor.

“Rory?”

“Hmm?”

“If something happened to me, would you get married again?”

He put the spoon down and looked at her.

“Nothing is going to happen to you.”

Amy raised her eyebrows.

“Okay, not for a very long time. And I am likely to go before you.”

“No, you’re not!”

“Yes, I am! Men still die before women on the whole.”

“Well, let’s say we do that differently as well,” Amy continued. “Would you get married again?”

“Would you want me to?”

Amy considered her reply. “They only thing I want is for you to be happy, and if I wasn’t here, and you found someone who made you happy, then yes, I would want you to get married again.”

Rory looked at her as if trying to see the catch before dropping his lips to hers. “I love you.”

“You too,” Amy replied, pulling herself in closer to him.

As Rory started stirring the sauce again Amy added, “I would expect a decent period of mourning though.”

“Goes without saying.”

“At least two years of barely getting out of your pyjamas, perhaps developing a slight obsession with the weather, a menagerie of cats. That sort of thing.”

Rory chuckled slightly. “I’ll see what I can do.”

“Good,” Amy replied. “I want things done properly.”

“Let’s not put this plan to the test for a while though, eh?” Rory commented, his eyes not leaving the sauce.

Amy considered her husband. “All the time I have a choice, I am not going anywhere.”

Grabbing happiness all the way.


End file.
